As the Edublog Award ceremony train passed right through my station tonight without an award or acknowledgement, I couldn't help but feel like a loser. A big loser, in fact. It wasn't that I had expected to win or even place, I am much too Danish to ever think highly of myself, but sometimes you let your imagination run away with you for a split second.
So there I was tonight, where I should be occupied with my insane 23 month old daughter, the surgery I am having tomorrow, or my husband who worked a 12 hour day. Instead, I found myself having a little pity party and it was sad to say the least. In fact, it was so pathetic that it made me think of why I have grown to despise awards in my classroom. You see, I felt like the outsider tonight. Like I was not cool enough to be recognized or even mentioned. Like the kid that sits along at lunch hoping someone will strike up a conversation. Like the kid that no matter how hard they try for the teacher to notice them, they just fall short.
So what is it with awards that can get even the most levelheaded anti-award teacher to behave like a love-stricken teenager hoping for their first kiss? Is it really that we just want someone to say we notice you? You make a difference? You work hard? We believe in what you do? I don't know. Because really those things are said to me by the amazing members of my family, friends, and my PLN often. Do we just not believe it when it comes from people that know us? Must it be from total strangers to feel like proper recognition? Or is it the group recognition? Of being given an award in front of others so that they know how important you are? I am still trying to dissect my emotions and find myself again. The one that doesn't have a ridiculously bruised ego, the one that feels like they belong and that others care. Either way, I am moving on, proud of my nomination, eager to add the winners to my feed, and strengthened in my resolve to not have awards or rewards in my classroom. After all, if a 30 year old teacher that knows better can get this silly over a missed reward then imagine what it does to a kid. Lesson learned again.